hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
