When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
