so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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