i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Those nachos came to me in a dream
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Randomize
