I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
