come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
