***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
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I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
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Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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