i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
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still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
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i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
We have started to decorate penises.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.