Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer