why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future