if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
worst night to have a conscience
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed