We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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