Taylor Swift is so right about you.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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