Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
