she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I need to stop coming to work sober
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
