im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
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And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
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SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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