drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
