i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
what the fuck happened to the tacos
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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