all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
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Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
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took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.