well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked