so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
We need a shit load of segways right now