Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
