george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
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In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
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First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head