I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
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Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
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