I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
I think I won the penis lottery.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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