I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
You ruined the universe
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
