i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
