hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
this is an emotional support booty call
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
