woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
