this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
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Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
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I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
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