I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
