could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
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