the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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