I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
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Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
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I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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