I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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