I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
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your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
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Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet