I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?