yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
