The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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