Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I party with great urgency now.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
