how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
