I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
