I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
