cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
21 Porn Stars Confess What Sex Is Really Like On Set
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
19 People That Found Pubes In All The Wrong Places
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME