You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!