i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
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Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
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He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.