when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
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He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
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Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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