There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
