Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
