i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
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i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
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Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
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