the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
