saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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