Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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