we have officially lost it.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
