hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
