He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
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I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
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Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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