My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
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It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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