we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina